E10 | Sabotage to Success: Unmasking Your Inner Fears

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I hope this episode lights a fire under your ass and you start taking the action you need to take in order to get to where you want to go and you can figure out who you are and who you want to be without self-sabotagingggg! 

Let's do this!

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Transcript

0:00

What is up cuties? I am going to go over. Self-sabotage and how do you. Avoid it. I'm kind of fired up about this and I'm going to say in that fired up energy, I was talking out the notes for this episode and. I just. Kept being like, okay, I want to record this so I can talk about it. So we're gonna just jump right into it. Um, so self-sabotage for me is when we want to be a different version of ourselves. We have good intentions and we may set some goals. When we feel inspired or, or motivated. And we feel ready to go, but when the time comes to take that action. To you. Reach that goal. Our subconscious, like the. Inspired feeling and then motivation. Kind of give away our subconscious. And our brains go like, please, bitch. You know, you ain't doing that. Or, you know, you'll do that for a couple of days and then fall back into your old patterns. Because that's what. Our brains like. That's what we know. That's what we like. Our survival instincts kick in before we can break through this survival pattern and go through. What is known as the river misery or the valley of disappointments. And we turn around and go back to the place we are familiar with. Which would be. Your old self, right. And self-sabotage can come in many different forms and it can be different for everybody, but I'm just going to give some examples of what self-sabotage can look like. So it can look like scrolling through social media for hours, not working in your business. Maybe you are consuming more than creating you. Skip workouts. You procrastinate. You watch. Too much Netflix. You over drink, overeat over, sleep over consume. Um, you donate enough food. You don't hydrate yourself. Properly you don't clean. You're not taking showers or getting yourself ready. You aren't taking care of yourself. You may pick up an old habit. You are avoiding you brush off a success. You may have had. You aren't asking for help. You are staying in a toxic relationship. You have a toxic relationship with yourself. You always talk to yourself negatively all the time. You stay busy all the time with something that isn't directed towards your goals, as an excuse to say that you didn't have time to accomplish your goal, therefore you didn't fail. You stay stuck. You make excuses and complain without changing anything. You. Don't think that you deserve anything good in your life or when your life is going well, then you think that all of a sudden. Something bad is going to happen. This stems from lack of awareness, because how can you want something in your life when you aren't even. Sure of who you are at this moment. So I think you need to really focus on who you currently are and why you believe what you believe and why you think the thoughts that you think and why you react. With this emotion in this way, or why you behave the way you behave. Like, do you like yourself right now? Do you love who you are? If not why? And you need a question and you need to not only question it, but you also need to answer that question. And this will start to bring awareness to your beliefs and your patterns, your habits, and you can start taking action intentionally, once you are aware. Of the underlying issues and you start focusing on what does aligned. With who you are and who you want to be. And I did. I think an episode. I know I did a Tik TOK video about, um, Coby Campbell's. Whole. Being the best version of yourself is. Not being the perfect version. It's healing and not hiding. From not hiding parts of yourself. But self-sabotage can also stem from all types of. Fear. So it could be fear of not being liked or being different than the crowd. Fear of being perceived from others. Maybe you grew up with critical parents. You told you more of what you did wrong versus what you did, right. Or. Your mom. Or dad may have always said, you know, mother knows best. And you fear the criticism of others or the judgment of others. So like people making fun of you. Maybe you're a feel fearful of rejection or not being an authority in your field or viewed as an expert, you have imposter syndrome. You have a fear of failing. You may have a fear of succeeding. You aren't trusting yourself. You aren't believing in yourself, you aren't believing in your worthiness. Or like I said, this good thing will all of a sudden be gone. Just like with workouts and diets self-sabotage and fear can look differently on everybody. We're all made of. Different recipes. Fear can be fuel for some, if you're can run deep and others and it's up to you. Which way you want to go with it. Some people lash out, others turn into reclusive while others fucking swim through that river and misery until they reach the other side, even though. They are feeling scared and it depends on the person. Where they are in their self care journey and how many tools they have in their tool belt and what they have tried before. If they have a support system, et cetera. And I keep hearing the term Dilu, which I think came from. I don't know, like K-pop or something like that. Um, but it's the idea of like, you have to be delusional in order to break through these new identity barriers. So it's, it's, it's a little extra than it's like the bougie version of fake it till you make it basically. And a friend has been talking about. Being the best at something in the world. And. We talk about sports all the time, but how you have to be a little unhinged and confident and delusional to think you are the best in the world at something, right. I mean, I think it's amazing to watch athletes like Katelyn Clark or. Djokovich Simone Biles, Michael Jordan, Sophia Smith. But how they have a deep seated belief in themselves and their abilities and they practice over and over and over again. How you have to learn how to shift and pivot and fall down and pick yourself back up. And if you have a shitty game, how can you evaluate and do something different for the next game? Like what didn't work in that game? What did work. Removing. The. Expectations and perfectionism in judgment of yourself. And learning how to remove yourself from the data. To me fear. Isn't a word that they resonate with top athletes resonate with. That's why they are the best. They're able to compartmentalize in a way that overrides their fear and they do their magic on the court or field. And as an athlete myself, I wish I learned this ability to silence that fear and calm and learn how to actually calm my nervous system down. So I could get out of my head and just play because that's when I play my best. And I really worked on my belief and confidence on the hurling and camogie pitch to this year. And I think it paid off for worlds. Because worlds. Was my only goal for this year and to win it. And my Southeast Kamogi team did that. And in that final game, I wouldn't have been able to perform had I not broken down the night before. And. Discuss my fears with my friends and teammates. I don't think. For me. I know, I know I self sabotage self-sabotage is just a human. Attribute that. We all have it's part of being human. Um, And if it wasn't. Then. We wouldn't be self-sabotaging right. And I know for me, I know I don't address my fears enough. Um, and that's part of my goal for 2024 is like Noah Khan says Roger, for years down on green post-it notes. I'm going to physically do that. And then I'm going to challenge myself to. Do the things that I am scared of. There's part of me that is always fearful of failing. There's also a part of me that's fearful of succeeding. Um, And also me not being good enough and especially me not being smart enough. That's, that's a big one. And I ended up putting so much pressure on myself to be in a different version of myself. That the weight gets so heavy and caves in and I just crumble. And then I regress and it's kind of that. Pattern of. You grow. And then. I crumble. And then I get stuck and then I grow again and then I crumble and then I get stuck and then I grow again. Um, but with each cycle is different because I am evolving and I'm learning and I'm growing and I am. Learning different lessons at different times when. I need to, and. Shifting my perspective and. My mindset around past experiences and trying to remove myself from Cerny equations to just look at the facts rather than how I feel about that or what that says. What that experience says about me. But it has to do with me, not addressing my fears, me not being vulnerable or honest with myself and me being this version of all of these expectations. That other people have in me holding myself to a too high of an expectation. Knowing I'm going to fall short. All the time, because that has what. Because that's what has happened in the past. That's why I went on and on about riding the roller coasters at Dollywood the other week in the podcast, because I need to learn to let go of the expectations in the, and quit causing so much friction between who I am now and who I want to be. When, I don't know, say just even this month is over. Because I have big goals for myself and for my family, 2024. And I am committing to these goals. I haven't figured out the how apart. For each of them yet, but I'm going to make sure that I am doing something in each area that will help move the needle in that direction. In the direction that I want to go. And for that to happen, I need to take more actions. Even if it's messy actions and just do it. I also have a fear of certain people seeing my stuff. Online because I got a lot of backlash for posting certain things or saying certain things. And the reality is like, if you don't like what I post. Then simply don't follow me. Like I'm not forcing anybody. Not family, not friends to follow me, or even like what I do. And I tell my youngest kid this all the time, like don't ever change who you are for other people. Lesson than I am still learning. But she's struggling right now because she is always saying she doesn't have any friends and in a way. I can see that because she is her unique self she's fiercely independent and creative, and she can be loud and she's weird. And we embrace her personality at home. But people may not embrace her personality. Like at gymnastics, for example, or soccer practice or basketball or at school. And I always try to remind her of the quotes. Not everyone likes peaches. And that's where the peach logo comes in and play for the CUNY. Annie, you course, which. Cue the new you. Is. Open, but I'm, I think I'm gonna change it to workshop. And so of course, because course to me, sounds like too stuffy too. Like classroom me. I want this to be. An interactive. Place an interactive workshop because while I am being the criminal co teacher of this workshop, I want key the new you to be. You know, as interactive as possible. And I may throw challenges in each week to like in the Facebook group and we can share. If we did that challenge or not, and what we think stopped us and And people getting coached or from that aspect too. I think it's important to you surround yourself with people who want similar things as you do. Who are willing to help and support you. And we're. People can encourage one another and come from an abundance mindset rather than a scarcity mindset. Because coming from a scarcity and mindset is like, I'm not going to help someone out because you fear, they may surpass you in some way. And like, that's not. The vibe for Q the new you were any are coming from an abundant mindset and we are here to help everyone and encourage everyone and let everyone up. Anyways. I have been thinking about self sabotage for a while now, because I actually told myself that I am doing this certain goal this year. And ever since I spoke those words, like two weeks ago, I haven't done much to support that goal. Because of fear. And this is often my pattern because my survival and sinks. Kick in, and I am aware of this and sometimes I get stuck in that river and misery. But David, I made a commitment to myself and I'm not turning back. I'm going to continue swimming through that river and misery. Going through that valley of disappointment until I get to that other side. That's why learning and understanding how habits work and how to create new habits helps because you are essentially shedding an old identity and creating a new one. And that causes a lot of friction. But having the mindset component helps expedite the building of habits. In my opinion. Because you are aware of why you're doing what you're doing and thinking the way you're thinking. And you can learn to shift your perspective and thoughts, which will lead you to take a different action or take a different approach. To the same action. So, how do you break the self-sabotage behavior? First? You need to understand where this behavior derives from. So that's the getting to know yourself part. Could it could be helpful to speak to a therapist or a coach to help you through this process. I think somatic therapy would be good for some people. A life coach would be great for some people. I mean, Hulu taking the cue, the new you workshop will be helpful. But you need to start understanding your thoughts and beliefs and create a more open, positive, and growth mindset and recognize your fears. Where these fears stem from and create goals that will help you overcome those fears. And if you can't overcome a certain fear or obstacle, You have. And then seek out that support, prioritize your self care and meet your own needs. Meet yourself where you are right now. And, but also visualize your future self and who you want to be. Do you want to be the same person you are now doing the same things you are now? One year from now, five years from now. And if that answer is no, then you've got to start doing something. Learn to evaluate yourself and learn how to not judge yourself when you're learning and growing and evolving and set realistic goals. And create new habits by starting small and gradually build your habits up. Because. The small habits will compounds. And. They will help you get to you where you want to go. To see yourself grow. You have to be showing up consistently with not only mindset work, but getting out of your comfort zone and following through with what you say, you're going to do, questioning your beliefs and actions, loving yourself, not hiding parts of yourself and taking action. And this is where the identity based habits come in. The outcome identity base have is versus the internal identity based habits. And I talk heavily on this subject from. Atomic habits from James clear because. People tend to think. Like once on the best version of myself, then this will happen. Or once I do this, Then I can do this. But getting to be the best version of yourself comes with meeting yourself where you are right now and loving this version of yourself. Loving the parts of yourself that you had been hiding or you feel shame about. And once you start internally, Your external world. We'll start to evolve. Like you have to be good with who you are internally. And then you start doing the external work, the outside work. And ask yourself what. The best version of yourself looks like. I keep emphasizing, visualize your future self. And if your future self is your best self, what does that look like for you? For me being the best version of myself, isn't about being a perfect version of myself. It's about accepting myself and learning from my mistakes. Saying yes. Your opportunities being more vulnerable. Being an expert at something trying new things, changing my perspective. It isn't always about having the perfect body or eating a perfect diet or having the perfect house or perfect relationship or being the perfect mom. It would be exhausting trying to live. Ni quote-unquote perfect life. My best is different than your best. You just have to define. What your best is. There's always room for evolvement and growth, but don't put so much pressure on yourself to be. This light. To be the perfect version of yourself. Because you hear other people saying. Being your best self, but what does that actually mean to you? Do you feel safe and secure with who you are and if you aren't, why. Like people stay the same because they are comfortable with their lives. Even though they complain about everything or they complain about their body or make excuses about every fucking thing being trapped in this victim. Mentality rather than. Having a responsible. Mindset. Like I've had clients who come to me with a problem and we talked through your solutions and in one case they made an excuse for every single thing. And I was like, do you not hear yourself right now? You're telling me all of these things that you want in your life yet, you aren't willing to change anything. How does this even align? And to me, they just aren't ready to make these changes yet. They need more space and maybe more time. And I think I've said this before, but there are four. Seasons of change. And this is from John C. Maxwell. so he says quote, when they hurt enough that they have to, when they see enough that they're inspired to when they learn enough that they want to, when they receive enough. That they're able to end quote. And. Like, if you aren't willing to change. Or reflect or evaluate who you are. Then. You're always going to be stuck with this fear mentality. And I hope that this will light a fire under some of your asses and under my ass to. And I challenge you for this week to write down one fear that you have or write down. A goal that you have and write down. The fear that hinders you from taking action on this goal. Because if you don't take action, nothing's going to happen. You can wish and you can manifest and you can believe. In, and you can do, I don't know all of this mindset work. That like I had definitely done in the past. But if you do not take action on it, nothing's going to change. You are going to be stuck and you are going to be paralyzed by this fear. If you don't get used to doing things that are new, that are scary, that make you nervous. They get you out of your comfort zone. If you don't start practicing these things, then nothing is going to change. And my hope for you is that if you do want to change, then you find a way. And you find resources and you find materials. Or you find people. Like coaches. Or people on Instagram or Tik top or YouTube that inspire you. And you take that action. Or me. And I'm not going to be. The vibe for everybody, because again, not everybody likes peaches, I know my goal is to help a thousand women this year. And I believe that I'm going to achieve this goal. And I hope that you will be. One of. The women that I do help because I am here. To help you achieve your goals. And I am here to help you become the version of yourself that you want to become. So let's fucking do this. Let's get out of our heads. Get out of our fears. Start taking action. And start. Accomplishing what we want to accomplish. And let's start being the best version of ourselves that. We define what that version is or what that best is. So. I know the vibe. For this episode? I don't know. I feel like. ANSI and. Motivated to. And talk on this subject. Um, So I hope that. This doesn't come across as like. Aggressive because. It may be a little aggressive, but it's. With love it's from a place of love because. Aye. Love seeing my clients like a light bulb. Goes off in their, in their heads when they're like, oh, when they realize something or they are aware of this pattern or they start challenging this belief, and then they start. Evolving into who they want to evolve into. Like, I love that. And that is my hope. If you are ready for that too. Do these things. So. Anyway, that is what I want to say today. I'm going to wrap this up. So Anna is always. You can follow me on Instagram or Tik TOK at merit Rollins brown and. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast because who knows? I may. Have another little sassy or aggressive love. Episode. Coming at you later. So. Anyways, have a good week and we will. I talk to y'all and next time. Alright, bye.