Ep 4 | When You Aren't Feeling Good Enough

The feeling of enoughness - being "good enough," "skinny enough," "funny enough," "inspiring enough," stems from not believing in yourself and attaching too much weight to a result you want in your life. 

And when you don't feel _________ enough, how do you feel about yourself? What thoughts are you thinking? What actions are you taking? Is your self-worth wrapped up in your enoughness?

When we are feeling not enough - we are judging ourselves, feeling guilt and shame, and beating ourselves up. Which turns into an endless, negative mind game. 

I think a lot of times people don’t feel enough because of fear or because they are falling short of other’s expectations and their own expectations. It’s like falling into the compare and despair trap.

When you stop comparing, hoping, wishing to be enough, you are better able to receive the good that is coming your way. You can start visualizing or manifesting what you actually want in your life. You start reshaping how you feel about past experiences and who you want to become in the future. And you don’t need to know the how part of it, you need to understand the who part - who are you becoming? 

You can’t start becoming the new version of yourself with your past thinking patterns and past behaviors. You have to learn the tools that help you: uncover your thought patterns, improve the relationship you have with yourself, process emotions, gain insight into why you think the way you think and behave the way you behave, create healthy and sustainable habits. 

This is exactly what I teach my clients and what I am offering for you. If you want to learn more about these tools and more, I am opening my 6 week course for a short amount of time, and I invite you to come work with me as we start rethinking habits with simple strategies. The course goes over mindset tips and habit hacks, you will receive a workbook to help further nurture your understanding of yourself and of who you want to become, and you will be invited into the private Facebook group where discussions happen, questions get answered, and there will be a resource and recommendations vault for you.

And you may be wondering what zebras have to do with being enough? To find out, you'll just have to listen to the episode!

Head on over to: http://merittrollinsbrown.com to learn more about the "Cue the New You" course!

Cheers! 

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Transcript

Meritt: 0:00

Hey cuties. What is up? Can you believe it's almost the new year? I feel like the past few months have just flown by and 2024 is right around the corner and it is holiday season and I've been asking people trying to get ideas about experience gifts for our kids for Christmas this year. They, they're kind of at the age where they don't necessarily play with toy toys and we don't need any more electronic devices. So I'd rather do something fun with them than get them things just to get them things for Christmas. But, if you are looking for an experience as a Christmas gift. I have an idea for y'all. My friend and trainer Marina told me about this place that she took her kids to and that was a drive thru safari. So on a day a couple of weeks ago when the kids didn't didn't have school we Decided to take them there, and oh my goodness. It was the best thing ever So the place we went to is called Briarwood Ranch Safari, and it's near Newport, Tennessee and they have We didn't know what to expect But we rolled up and they have two Areas that are like petting zoos, and then they have the drive thru safari part and we were Speaking with someone who has worked there for several years and they were saying how they try to get a new like species of animal into the ranch at least once a year if not every other year. But they have Some mischievous tortoises, peacocks roaming around, miniature horses you can feed, ducks. They have a swan named Norman Bates. Um, he wasn't, a very nice swan. And then they have some goats and white donkeys, some alpacas. Uh, they have a capybara. And then they have a Patagonia cavy. C A V Y. Um. And that was really cool. And we got to feed and pet that and it was really soft. And the drive thru part was so much fun. They have ostriches, buffalo, cows, yaks. Um, these rare deer that I forgot the name of. Uh, they had elk and donkeys and zebras. And what you do is you buy buckets of food and then you drive through the safari with your windows rolled down and then the animals just come up to your car and then you feed them. And my favorite animals were the zebras because they were gentle assholes. I was on one side of the car feeding this huge elk and my husband. You know it was, he was the one driving at the time because we, you can go through as many times as you want, um, and we ended up going through twice. So the first time my husband was driving and then he had two zebras in his window. And if Rob tried to lean over and feed the elk on my side, then a zebra would gently bite his arm. As if saying, no man, you're feeding me, remember? And then I got so excited to feed the zebras. Um, that my hand didn't quite make it out of the window and then the zebra spilled all of the food onto Rob's lap. So, all of the animals were friendly except the ostriches. They weren't like mean, but they are just wild and they aggressively eat the food. And then, um, Tesla. Was holding her food out and they warn you like they tell you about You know how to feed the animals and things and they they tell you with the ostriches you have to hold the bottom of the bucket Because they just steal the bucket and an ostrich did that twice to Tesla He would get the bucket and then pour it out on the ground and then come back and try to get another one of our buckets that somebody else was holding and So they are, they know what they're doing. But you could feed most animals and most animals would let you pet them. So I fulfilled a bucket list of mine which was petting a zebra. I don't know if this is weird or if it's a common thing but I have a weird knack for petting animals. Like, I got the urge the other day to jump the fence at the zoo so I could pet the lion because he was laying right up against the gate, um, I don't know, I just, I want to just pet all the exotic animals. I don't know, does anyone else get those urges or is it just a me thing? But petting the zebras and the elk was the highlight of that safari trip for me. Oh, and then there was a, this donkey named Jack, and he was a riot. So, the second time we went through, I was driving, and, you know, you drive slowly because obviously there are animals walking around. But, um, We hit the ostrich first and then here comes Jack and he he rolled up to the window and we're like, okay We'll feed him. So we gave him a couple of handfuls and then we're like, all right, you know, we'll see you later and And then I would take off and Jack would trot beside the car and then you know I was going like five miles an hour and Jack would trot beside the car And then he'd stick his head in the window as I'm still driving, as he's still trotting, so I had to stop and then he would stick his head, his whole head inside of the car so we would feed him. And then this kept going on about four times until he finally was like, alright, I'm not gonna trot after y'all anymore. So he let us drive off. So if you live near a drive thru safari and you have kids, and I would say, I mean you can take young kids, but if they're like easily scared I would suggest not taking them until they're a little bit older. But this, this is a fun experience gift for Christmas or for a birthday present or just to do something with the family. Um, I will say though that we got food all in our car and the side of our car got a little scratch from horns from, I think it was from a type of cow, uh, but to me it was worth it. Like, I vacuumed the car out. It took me about an hour to get all of the food out, but that's okay. I don't mind my car being deep cleaned. and I, of course, got to love on some zebra, so we enjoyed it. Okay, but let's get into the podcast. So, a reoccurring theme that my clients have and that I go through as well is the feeling of And what I mean by that is always wondering and asking ourselves, am I enough? And wanting to be enough? And I want to ask, is enoughness tied to worthiness? And my answer is yes and no. And I say no because I believe everyone is 100 percent worthy all of the time. We are all born with worth. There isn't anything you can do to quote unquote gain more worth than someone else. And I know what you're thinking. Like, well this person is worthy because of what they have done. But I'm not talking about... What people have done. I'm simply suggesting that humans are born worthy, period. What they decide to do with their life is up to them. What you decide to do with your life doesn't give or take away from your worthiness. Working towards something or wanting to improve or do better in your life is a decision you hold power over. How do you want to experience your life? You can choose to do all the good deeds in the world, but what are your intentions behind them? Are you doing good deeds because someone told you to, or because of some reward you are expected to receive, or wanting to receive? You could give in to all of the evil stuff that's going on in the world, and that's your prerogative, but are you living the life that you want to live? Are you living a life of abundance, love, Compassion. Connectedness. Probably not if you're doing all the evil stuff. Um, but again this doesn't mean your worth diminishes, but the life you live and how you feel about your experiences are what shape your behaviors. And our behaviors are determined by how we feel in our thoughts. The yes that ties worthiness and enoughness for me is the notion that you feel your self worth is attached to being enough. Because when you feel enough, you feel whole, you feel fulfilled, you feel capable. you may feel successful When you aren't feeling enough of something, you don't feel as though you're worthy or deserve to be enough. And that isn't true. Just like with worthiness, being enough is there for you. Why, so, but why is it hard to say, I'm worthy, I'm enough? Humans are always chasing something, whether it's fame, fortune, wanting to be a better parent, partner, friend, but what does being enough mean to you? When was the last time you ever felt like you were enough? When you aren't feeling enough, and that could, Mean you feel like you aren't good enough, pretty enough, creative enough, assertive enough, funny enough, smart enough, skinny enough But this looks different for everybody, right? Like, who are you comparing yourself to when you believe you aren't good enough? society, celebrities What your mom has always told you, what your fourth grade teacher told you that one time feeling not enough is what I still struggle with the most. But my mindset has changed around this concept and I don't hold so tightly onto this belief or identity as much anymore. But man, when it creeps into my mind, it has a power over me like no other. I start to question everything and doubt myself, which leads me to not take any action and my demeanor changes and I feel stuck and not good and nothing gets done. And I end up blocking all parts of me that want to be creative and be joyful, be grateful and relaxed when I start believing my thoughts of not being enough. And oftentimes we operate with a mindset of, when I have this, or when I do this, then I will be blank. For me, it's when I win this, then I will feel better, or be good enough, or be worthy of something in my life. Instead of operating from knowing and believing that I am 100 percent worthy all of the time. I'm worthy, and I'm this person who wins the game. I am worthy and I am this person who loses the game. Attaching too much weight to the results will leave you feeling not good enough or you'll do things you don't want to do. I remember back in college when playing soccer, I put so much pressure on myself to play well that it often backfires, and then I end up playing like shit. And because I play like shit means I'm not worthy or deserving of winning. Our current beliefs are connected to our current results. In order to change our results, we have to... start changing our thoughts and feelings and behaviors. Not believing in yourself stems from attaching negative meaning to your results and making your results mean something about you. For example, if you play sports and you're in a game and you miss a goal, a point free throw, what do you make that mean about yourself? What does that mean about you? About you as an athlete? How many mistakes in a game does it take for you to create a bad attitude on the field or court? For me, it wasn't that many. And if I keep attaching negative meaning to my result of I always mess up in front of the goal or it's so hard for me to execute a pass on the run then I will continuously make losing a game a reflection of who I am as a person. The more times I get stuck in this thought loop, the more my self confidence gets chiseled away. And then I end up not believing in myself, which means I'm not trusting myself or the process. And I talk about my doubt as an athlete a lot because I have held onto that identity for so long, so tightly, that without being labeled as an athlete, I... I have questioned, who am I? For a few years, I didn't play any sports, but then I held on to the identity of being a mom. If I wasn't a mother, who am I? If I'm not an athlete and or a mom, who am I? That question used to devastate me because I felt like I had no life or no purpose. And now when I ask myself, who am I? I can answer with, well, who do I want to be? Because there are endless possibilities and I try not to hold so tightly to a specific identity. Instead, like James Clear teaches in Atomic Habits, I am becoming blank. I am becoming something. So I am becoming someone who is dedicated and organized. I am becoming someone who is adventurous and enjoys life. I am becoming someone who is committed and diligent. I'm becoming someone who believes I am worthy and enough all of the time. The best practices I've had with hurling are the ones where I'm relaxed and I don't put this unnecessary pressure on myself to play perfectly. And backtrack to just a few years ago when I used to hate my body. I would nitpick every single thing that was wrong about me. And it usually was I wasn't skinny enough and I wasn't pretty enough. Which made me feel super insecure, caused me to have social anxiety, and I would just torture myself. I would punish myself and not eat for days on top of playing year round soccer and track or cross country. And then I thought I had the best willpower because I cut out desserts, pizza, donuts, and fries for years. And then something would happen, and my body would be starving, so I'd cave and eat something because I needed, I wanted to find comfort in something, and then I would eat more, and then I would eat more, which caused years of my body weight going up and down, and it wasn't until learning about mindset awareness that I learned you have the ability and power to change your thoughts. And I think a lot of times people don't feel enough because of fear or Or because they are falling short of others expectations and their own expectations. It's like falling into the compare and despair trap. Look at social media for example. Social media used to make me feel like shit sometimes. No. I, take that back, I used to make myself feel like shit when scrolling through social media because I always was thinking and saying, they are prettier than me, they have nicer things than I do, I will never be able to have what they have, I'll never be as organized as them, they are so much funnier than I am, and it stressed me out. I stressed myself out. When you stop comparing, hoping, wishing to be enough. You are better able to receive the good that is coming your way and you can start visualizing or manifesting what you actually want in your life. You start reshaping how you feel about past experiences and who you want to become in the future. And you don't need to know the how part of it. You need to understand the who part. Who are you becoming? Albert Einstein once said, Quote, this is the truth behind manifestation. You must understand that it is the frequency of the energy you are generating that you create from not the words you use. Words are just words. Everything is energy and that's all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics. End quote. So, when you are stuck in the not good enough phase, the self doubt, I don't believe in myself or what I'm doing phase, then what is your energy like? What thoughts are you thinking? What actions are you taking? How do you get yourself out of this phase? And you see how I use the word phase because it is a phase. I say this all the time. Life ebbs and flows and you will go through phases of creativity, drive, motivation, passion, urgency, impatience, anger, but they are all phases. You most likely. You won't live the rest of your life angry or being driven all of the time. The more you show up as who you want to show up as, the more you are responding to your life experiences, the richer your life will be. You end up with more fulfillment when you are coming from a mind of abundance, confidence, and clarity. And you stop picking yourself apart when something doesn't go your way, or when something doesn't meet your expectations. You can't start becoming the new version of yourself with your past thinking patterns, and your past behaviors, and your past habits. You have to learn the tools that help you uncover your thought patterns, improve the relationship you have with yourself, learn how to process your emotions, and gain insight as to why you think the way you think, and behave the way you behave. And you have to learn how to create healthy and sustainable habits. And this is exactly what I teach my clients, and what I am offering for you. So, if you want to learn more about these tools I am opening my six week course up for a short amount of time, and I invite you to come work with me as we start rethinking habits. with simple strategies and the course goes over a mindset tips and habit hacks and you will receive a workbook to help further nurture your understanding of yourself and of who you want to become and you will be invited into the private Facebook group where discussions happen, questions get answered, and there will be a resource and recommendations vault for you. My kids go to a summer camp called Camp Lurecrest over in Lake Lure, North Carolina. And my dad actually grew up going to this camp. And so did my sister and me. Oh, and my best friend Lainey. Hey, Lainey. And we always had the best time at camp. And I, as a kid, I looked forward to it every year. They actually have, after COVID, they had a family day. So if you were a previous um, camper, then you could go and you could either spend the day there or spend the night there in the cabin. And so we took, Rob and I took the kids over there and with my parents and oh my gosh, that that was the best day. We had so much fun. We were swimming in the lake and they have like this little zip line that goes into the lake and they have this really long, um, it's like this huge pipe, but it's a two or it's a slide into the lake and then we ate lunch there and then we could, I think we could go into the pool and then we did the zip lines that they had. It was a lot of fun. Anyways, the camp motto is a week can change a life, and I believe that's true. I mean, I believe a single thought can change your life, or a single decision can change your life. So think about what six weeks can do when you have the guidance and tools you need to start changing your life, to start becoming the person you desire to become. Because when we aren't feeling not enough, we are judging ourselves, feeling guilt and shame and beating ourselves up, which turns into a vicious cycle. For me, it does. Even when you do something fantastic, like win a championship or nail a big presentation or finally cook. Like, a fantastically tasting meal. yoU may feel slightly happy for a minute, but then the, well, I could have done this, or I should have done this. It's like song, could have, would have, should have. This is an endless mind game. And I know, I hear you when you say, I should have done this better, I could do more. But what if you did exactly what you were supposed to do? Byron Katie suggests a way to set yourself free from your past, and accepting your past. And she looks at it as your past happened the way it happened, because that's how it happened. So the game went the way it was supposed to go, because that's how it happened. Now this doesn't mean you become lazy and you're like, I don't care if I lose. But this is a way for you to walk off the pitch or field, court, and be proud of yourself and confident in your ability. Or walk out of that presentation and be proud of yourself for what you just accomplished. If doctors have a patient who passes away, they don't just give up and quit being a doctor. I mean I'm sure there are some outliers. bUt overall the doctors want to understand why that happened, and they work hard to help the next patient. That may not be the best analogy, but you all get what I'm saying. I recently watched a video that Mark Manson posted about Kanye. And when Kanye was younger, he met this filmmaker who agreed to do this documentary when he was like, I don't know, like 17 or 20 or something like that. Um, but they did a documentary about Kanye before he even had a record label. And he kept saying, Kanye kept repeating, I'm going to be the biggest rapper one day. And he already had, This strong self belief established and whenever a record label would turn him down, he would walk out saying, you'll regret that. You have to err on the side of caution with being too confident though, because that turns into arrogance and you end up not being able to listen to others or work that well with others, in my opinion. But Kanye believed he was good enough back then. And he ended up fulfilling his own prophecy because he is one of the biggest rappers in the world. The biggest reason why people doubt themselves though is because of fear. And it could be, because of the fear of success. Fear that you will fail. Fear you won't make it. Fear of rejection. Fear of being laughed at or ridiculed. or fear of the unknown. People don't want to leave the comfort of the job they hate because they don't want, because they don't know what will happen without that steady paycheck and that job security. So they live a quote unquote small life. They are stuck in a job they don't want to work at because of the fear and doubt and the lack of self trust., it's like when Brene Brown talks about are you willing to be the person in the fight in the center of the ring or are you always going to be in the audience? It takes guts to start an online business or to start a fashion business. It takes guts to say your dream out loud and to pursue that dream and you have the power to follow through with your dream or not. You also have to understand your potential though. Like, if I have never sewn anything and I have no interest in learning to sew, I'm probably not going to be a fashion designer. However, if I start getting curious about fashion, then starting fashion and learning how to sew and learning all about fabrics and technique and color, and patterns, then I could fulfill a self proclaiming prophecy. And then I could become. a fashion designer. When you stop tying worthiness and not enoughness to success, so many more doors open inside of your mind for you. You have an energy shift and that energy shift propels you to take action. It may not be the right action at that time, but you start taking action. And then you start learning and creating and thinking new things in, in new ways. And then you take the next step and then you take the next step and eventually you end up creating what you want to create and becoming who you want to become and experiencing life the way you want to experience it. And it's not always rainbows and daisies all of the time, but you learn how. To manage stress you learn your creative process you learn how to receive things in your life and give and You learn that you are worthy and you are enough and you believe in yourself and you trust yourself and you trust that you can do this and you trust that you can do that and you start showing up as who you want to show up and then you can, and you end up creating the life that you want to live. so we have to be mindful of how we view our self worth and how we view and think about, are we enough? Are we good enough? And what that means for you.

28:34

you may be wondering, what do zebras have to do with being enough? Nothing really. I just really like zebras.

Meritt: 28:42

but I want to invite you to explore this topic even further. And I invite you to check out the Cue the New You course that I'm offering to start shifting your mindset around your habits and figuring out who you want to become. The enrollment period for this is going to be for the next two weeks or so and classes will be starting up the week of January 15th. So if you want more information on that, head over to MerrittRollinsBrown. com and that's spelled M E R I T T R O L L I N S B R O W N. com. And I will see y'all next week. Okay, bye.