Ep 13 | Self-Love Sessions with The Model: How to Change the Way You Think About Yourself

Go from not loving yourself, your body, your relationship with food, your toxic relationship with yourself to loving yourself, your body, having a good relationship with food, and breaking up of your toxic relationship with yourself. 

In this episode I give you two examples of how to use the Model - a universal truth - that will help you shift your thoughts and perspective about a circumstance. This is one of my favorite self-care tools - and I can't wait to share it with you! 

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Transcript

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Hello and welcome to Cue the New You. I'm Merit Rollins Brown and today we're going over your guide to ending low self esteem. I recently did a video explaining one of the top mindset self care tools that I use. I I learned this, I guess, about six years ago and I still use it to this day and I use it with my clients as well and it's called the model and I'm just going to go over a little bit of what, of how to do it. I learned this from Brooke Castillo. And it really changed my perspective on how I think about things. And this also allowed me to finally separate myself from my past. It's just a great tool to use where All areas of your life and it really helps bring awareness to what's going on inside your brain and awareness to your habits that you may not know you have and it teaches you kind of how to think more in the future versus thinking in the past. Because, we often get caught in these thought patterns and these feeling cycles because that's what our brains know. That's how our brains have thought for years and years and it's comforting for our brains to Be in the homeostasis stage, which just means, um, you're in your comfort zone, right? So, if you look at homeostasis like a thermostat for your house, it's like when it's hot outside and you want it to be cool inside, then you turn on the A. C. If it gets too hot. Then the AC kicks on, so it stays in a com in a comfortable zone, so you're comfortable inside when it's hot outside. Um, and that's what our brain's like, it likes to just stay in the zone of this is familiar and I know what to expect and, you know, nothing can really go wrong. Because we aren't doing like anything new and because our brains are like computers, they like proficiency, they, don't like to have to rewire neural pathways because that takes a lot of energy. That takes a lot of time. That takes a lot of repetition because habits are just a repetitive. form of thought patterns and feelings. And then it, you imprint that subconsciously. And so sometimes you aren't even aware of how this certain habit developed, um, because you just do it. So it's kind of, I think I gave an example, like one of my friends, they constantly pick their cuticles like somebody who constantly bites their nails they most of the time they aren't even aware that they're doing it, but there is a re there's a cue that Triggers them to bite their fingernails and So it's kind of getting to the The bottom of where these thought patterns Started and also just bringing awareness to why you're thinking the way you're thinking, and why you're feeling the way you're feeling about yourself. And this is what I want to like my mission for 2024 is to help a thousand women to learn how to love themselves. And so I'm going to talk about how to get people to love themselves and to love others through self care routines and practices that will elevate your self confidence. And when you feel more confident, then you believe in yourself more. When you believe in yourself more, then you just have a higher self esteem. Then, just like everything else, shifts in your life. And that's what my goal is, is to get people to start loving themselves. So they can live the life that they want to live. Okay, let's get into the model. So the model is broken down into, what, five, six categories. The first category or line, so if you're writing this on a piece of paper, then on the first line you write the letter C. So the C stands for the circumstance. And actually, you know what? I'm just going to get my notebook out. This is the workbook from my Q the new you workshop. It's a six week workshop that teaches you all about mindset here. I'll I'll even read since I have it out. I'll read. Okay. So table of contents. The first week we learn about the brain. Brain 101. Why we think the way we think and what to do about it. The second week we go over rewiring your brain through thoughts and beliefs. So this is learning how to break a thought pattern in order to create a new thought pattern, which then will build up your brain. It's because sometimes when we're, when somebody is like, Oh, you should write affirmations, and then you'll start believing in this affirmation. For me, that didn't work because I can write something a hundred times, but I don't feel any differently. Like my, the inside deep down core feeling does not change. I can write down, Oh, I love my body. but if I don't feel that, if I don't have any emotion Um, that has changed. When I write that down, then nothing's going to change. So I go over ways to kind of bridge that gap of this is what I'm currently thinking, but this is what I want to think, and that builds your belief. So it's like the, I don't know, belief bridge, I guess. Okay. So week three is feeling your feelings. Learning about emotional regulation. That's one of the main things that I especially struggled with. I had no idea what emotional maturity was. I was caught in this victim based mentality and it, it took a long time to get out of that because I had to learn all of these things that I teach. But now it's, oh my gosh, my life is just so much better because of it. I'm so thankful. So week four is looking your best while feeling your best. And I go over the B, do you have mindset identity shifts with Jim Fortin that he teaches and James Clear who wrote Atomic Habits. I refer to. Jim Fortin and James Clear and Charles Duhigg, um, all the time. Week five, habits and behavior. Go over what the habit loop, the key routine and reward. In order to change a habit, you have to change the routine and the routine comes down to What we learned about, about mindset and feelings as well. Week six routines and self care. So the power of evaluating, because if you set a goal and you say, I want to write. You write a thousand words a day for seven days, and you write a thousand words the first three days, and then something comes up on the fourth day, and then you just don't get to that a thousand words, and then it's, and then, I don't know, maybe you skip the next day too, and then you get back to it on the fifth day and the sixth day. If you don't look at why you missed days three and four, then You aren't going to learn how to create a new habit that will stick. You won't create sustainability with that goal. And because, like, think of yo yo dieting. People start this diet, then something happens, and then it's like they fall off the wagon, and then they basically have to start And so this helps you evaluating, just asking yourself, you know, what worked this week? What didn't work? And what can I do differently? It's not to play, place judgment on you or like on your circumstance or what happened. It's just really getting to the facts of why you didn't do your goal for that day. And it's just a great tool to use. When you, when you are trying to achieve this really big goal. Okay, so, let's get to, um, the model. Alright, so, on the first line you have, you're writing your C. And the C stands for your circumstance. Or it can be, um, about an experience. So, circumstance are the facts of a situation. All circumstances are neutral and it's non descriptive. You, so, a bad example of a circumstance would be, Um, I think that, my boss is a, I'm a narcissist because they yelled at me. That is an opinion. That's not a fact. So a fact would be my boss yelled at me. That would be the circumstance. A circumstance can be anything like about your body your business kids environment What someone said to you holidays relationships? basically the circumstance that you Are Getting triggered by or you have a negative view on now not every circumstance is It's going to go from a negative to a positive feeling. It's a way to shift your perspective around the circumstance so you get out of that initial victim based mentality. So the next line, and I'll go over examples too. The next line is the T line and that's a thought line. An example would be, I don't know what to do. I can't do this. I've tried all these diets. I don't know where to start. I can't imagine loving myself. Those are thoughts the next sign is the F line, which is feeling. So we have C circumstance, T thought. Next is F for feeling, and this is described in one word, how you feel about the circumstance. So when you think a thought about the circumstance, how does that make you feel? In one word. So that could be anger, um, I feel angry, I feel disappointed, I feel rejected, I feel not seen. I know that's two words, I don't know one word for that. Um, I feel negatively. Okay, so this is a feeling that you feel when you think that thought about the circumstance. So the fourth line is the A line and that's for action and then I include habits and behaviors within that because this is the actions that you take when you feel this feeling after thinking this thought about the circumstance. So Okay, so It's the inactions you take or it could be the inactions you take. So instead of doing something productive, you feel so much shame that you just hide and you procrastinate and you scroll on your phone for hours instead of dealing with your emotion and this is your behavior based on how you feel when you think this thought about the circumstance. Final line, so this is one, two, three, four, the fifth line is the R line, which is the results line. This is the current outcome of the circumstance. So something that can be measured. Think weight, money, time. And again, I'll go, I'll do an example. Um, but we each have two models. So when you first do this, you're doing it as you are meeting yourself where you are right now. So how you feel about this circumstance right now. And that's your current model. Then you have your future model. And so you do this after you understand your current model and your future model is how you want to think, feel, and act, behave, develop a habit for when you change your perspective of the circumstance because the circumstances stay the same. So if your current circumstance is, so this is about low self esteem. Not liking your body, not liking yourself. So your circumstance, you can just write, my body. So, how you currently feel about your body, and your feature model is also going to say under, or for your circumstance line, my body. Okay, so what changes is, is the middle. It's like a sandwich. So the bread is the circumstance, the result is the same in the sense that you're measuring the outcome of the circumstance. So the weight can change, the time can change, the money can change. But what changes is the, thought, feelings, actions, right? So it's the middle parts. So you really want to make sure that your result line proves your current thought line. Let's get into an example. I'm going to go over examples for each category. So for the C line, the circumstance, it could be about body, business, kids, environment. Someone said this to me, holidays, relationships. The thought line could be, I don't know what to do. I can't do this. I've tried all the diets. I don't know where to start. I can't imagine loving myself. The F line. Feeling could be attractive, proud, excited, empowered, disrespected, disappointed, shame, guilt, disgusting. An example of the result line could be I weigh 208 pounds. I make zero dollars in my business a month. I own this car. I sign X amount of clients per week. So this is the example that I did, earlier this week of the model. So this is the self image and body model example. So the current model. So this is what I currently think about myself. So my C line, the circumstance, is my body. My thought I have about my body is I hate my body. So that's what I write down. I hate my body. The feeling line is disgusting, like anytime I look in the mirror, I just feel disgusting. I don't like my face, I don't like my arms, I don't like the fat on my belly, I don't like my legs. It makes me feel gross looking at myself in the mirror. I do not like how I look. So then my actions, what I do when I feel this way is I either start to starve myself because I feel so negatively, negatively about myself that I want to lose weight in the quickest way possible. And for me to do that in my mind is to starve myself. But then I don't eat for a couple of days and then I get just ravenously hungry and then I overeat slash I binge eat. And that makes me even feel worse about myself, because I still feel disgusting. I binge on alcohol because I want to escape the feeling of disgust about myself. I don't want to feel negatively about myself, therefore I'm going to just. I will not drink until I don't have any feelings. I will ignore the mirror, so I will not look at myself in the mirror. I will get dressed not in, like, not in power clothes or clothes that I feel really good in because I don't feel good, and when I put those things on it just makes me feel worse about myself. I hide because I I feel so much shame about hating myself and my body that I just don't want to talk to anybody. And I just try to sweep these feelings underneath the rug and I avoid my feelings and that means that I am consuming more content because I don't want to. feel all of the sadness and negativity that I feel. So I'm just going to scroll and look at things that give me a slight dopamine hit, but in the long run, it's not changing how I feel about myself. And because I feel so bad, because our brains like efficiency, I'm not going to do anything to change how I'm feeling because this is It's my comfort zone because I've been feeling this way for a while. That was a lot. It doesn't have to be that long of a list. That's just a lot of examples of things that you may do when you feel disgusting, when you think, I hate my body, or I hate myself. So your result could be, you weigh 238 pounds, right? That is a measurable result. Now, you have to remember when you, when you do this, you don't want this model to come with a lot of judgment or with a lot of shame. This is really just, it's, I don't want to say it's like a scientific way. It's a, it's a way to collect data about why you think the way you think and why you do what you do. And that brings awareness to. That brings awareness to your brain. And that is like, awareness is a first step in changing, in my opinion. Because you can't change something you aren't aware of, right? So this is a good way to observe why you have the current results that you have. And again, this could be business, relationship, kids, whatever your circumstance is. If you want to change your results, you have to become aware of your current thoughts in order to change your current thoughts about the circumstance. Every thought drives a feeling. Emotions are not facts. They come and go, just like thoughts come and go. But it's, when we think a thought for so long, it becomes ingrained into our brains. Creating those neural pathways and so when we feel, when we experience something when we're young and we quote unquote survive that experience then our brains later in life when we go through a similar experience, when we go through a similar feeling, then our brains recall that first experience and they're like, oh, you know what, we did this, In order to survive that experience before, so we'll just do that again. And the more times you go through those similar experiences, the more times you are going to react in the same way. Right? Because that's, again, the comfort zone. Your body's in homeostasis, um, survival mode. And, and, and the workshop I go over, like, parts of the brain and how they function, um, and how that, how that works. Connects to your central nervous system and your parasympathetic nervous system and all of that. So emotions are not facts, thoughts are not facts. They come and go just like thoughts and if you don't feel your feelings, then they fester and the actions you take from not feeling your feelings will determine your results. So if you are somebody like me who bottles their emotions up and then some little thing happens, then it just like erupts like a volcano and you're like, holy shit, what the fuck is going on? I'm spiraling so bad right now. Um, it's because you're avoiding your emotions. So. Every feeling drives an action, every action, inaction, reaction you make is a choice. So I talk a lot about reacting versus responding. Reacting is, is doing something that your brain is familiar with, it's past thinking. And when you respond to a circumstance, situation, when you are thinking in the future, like this is how I want to show up, this is how I want to act. In the future when the circumstance comes up then that is responding you are in control of your body you are in control of What you say and what you do now you can do this even if you feel like your heart's racing and your armpits are sweating if you say I'm gonna show up and Stand up for myself. It's okay. Your body's gonna Lack That response, because you also have to re regulate your nervous system, and you can do that through like breath work, through, um, um, oh my gosh, not manifesting the hmmm, um. Meditating, that's what it's called, meditating, um, you can do it through journaling. I know a lot of times, or I've, I've read that if you have like this big presentation and you get nervous speaking in front of people to go and exercise beforehand because that helps calm your nervous system down. So when you think about if this thing happens in the future, how do I want to show up? How do I want to behave and the more you practice that, the more you visualize if somebody, if I look in the mirror, I don't want to feel disgusting. I don't want to pick apart my body. So I'm going to try to do this instead. And then you practice that and then you keep practicing it. You're the next time you think the negative thought about your body, you can nip that in the, in the bud quicker. Once you're aware of how you want to respond in the future time. And then eventually over time with patience, with practice, with allowing yourself some grace and, and removing the judgment from yourself, then your thoughts will start to change, then your beliefs will start to change about yourself. And that, that is what bridges the gap from where you currently are to where you want to be. Okay. So, I went down a little rabbit hole. Okay. So, the more you make the same choices, the more you make the same choices, right? So the more times I say I look in the mirror with disgust, the more times I'm going to look in the mirror with disgust or avoid the mirror, but still feel disgust. The more times I get home from work and sit down and watch Netflix and binge eat on chips, the more times I'm going to watch Netflix. Um, and then I'm going to sit down on the couch and binge eat chips because again, I am creating this pattern in my brain of this is my circumstance, this is what I think, this is how I feel, and this is what I do when I think and feel this way. So my result is being a couch potato and not, I don't know, if you want to lose weight. Um, then your future result could be from couch potato to, um, a walker. I don't know. You decide to walk and so sit on the, on the couch. The more times you do something, the more times you do something. So the choosing the same choice over again, then becomes your habit or reaction. So past self versus future self. reacting versus responding. You can trace your results back to your thoughts. Or you can start with the results line and uncover why you're getting the results you are currently getting with the thinking you're thinking. So instead of putting my body as a circumstance, I'm going to start with the results line. So the circumstance, thought, feeling, and actions line, they're all blank right now. I'm going to start with the result line. So my result is going to be I weigh 238 pounds. So then what do I think about this weight? How do I feel about this weight? And what do I do? What have I done in order to weigh 238 pounds? And then from that, you can just title the circumstance, my body, my weight, things like that. So that's your current model. You know, I've been talking about your future model. So, a future model can look like this. So the circumstance is going to stay the same. So it's going to be my body. Current model, circumstance, body, my body. Future model, circumstances, my body. The thought line now is, I want to love my body, right? So in the future, I want to love my body. I want to look in that mirror and be like, Ooh, damn girl, you so hot. You looking good today. Like, you want to be your hype girl, right? You want to love how you look. You want to put on your favorite outfit and be like, Yes, queen, I'm slaying today. I don't even know if they use slaying, but whatever. You want to feel good about yourself. So, you think, I love my body. How does that make you feel? Well, you know what? I worked my ass off to feel this way and I'm proud. So my feeling, I'm feeling proud of myself. So your actions could be, well, I learned how to meal plan. I am exercising four times a week, whether that's going on a walk four times a week, whether that's hiring a personal trainer or. Hiking, I don't know, pick up paddle boarding, pick up a hobby. You picked up a hobby and a benefit of picking up that hobby is you lost a little weight. You don't have to lose weight either, might I add. This is changing your thoughts around your body. Um, maybe you cut back on alcohol. Maybe alcohol was a reason why you. You gained weight because you were escaping yourself. You were escaping how you were feeling so bad about yourself and so bad about your life that this was the only thing, only solution you know, you knew that provided some sort of relief. So over time you decided, you know, I'm going to cut back on alcohol because when I drink alcohol, it makes. You feel bloated. It gives me such high anxiety because I black out and then I wake up the next morning and I'm like, holy shit, what did I do? Did I do something stupid? Or, um, who did I hook up with? I don't even remember that. So, you cut back on alcohol. And as a benefit of cutting back alcohol, you then lost some weight. Let me reiterate, you do not I just, previous clients, this is what we go through a lot is just not feeling great about themselves. Um, but weight is just an easy way to go over the model as an example. Because it's a measurable thing. Right? Okay. So, um, actions, you check in with yourself. So you're evaluating every week. Um, so say you wanted to just drink, uh, eight glasses of water a day. So you start on Monday and then you write down however many glasses of water. Tuesday same thing. Wednesday same thing. So by Sunday you look back and you're like, oh man, I drank eight glasses of water five times this week. Like that is awesome. And then you say, okay, what happened on the two days that I didn't drink that water? What came up and how can I plan, like if this comes up again in the future, how can I plan to still hit my goal? Like maybe I just drink one glass of water as soon as I wake up every morning. Or um, I set an alarm on my phone to remind me to drink one glass of water every two hours or whatever it is. So it's a good way to get creative on The habit loop, right? So changing a habit, um, you're changing up your routine and it's like a trial and error type thing, but as a result to drinking more water, you feel more hydrated and when you feel more hydrated, you have more energy. Your body is getting the proper fuel it needs, you know, obviously you need to. eat with that too but like I can tell when I'm dehydrated because man I get so irritated and then I get a headache and it's like I don't want to do anything because my head hurts because I haven't been giving my my body enough water to function so as a benefit to that the more watery you drink the more full You may feel which then benefits in not eating as many calories which then benefits in maybe losing weight So maybe you have an ideal weight. So if you weigh 238 pounds and you want to weigh 200 pounds What are you doing in the future that gets you to that 200 pounds? Does that make sense? I hope that makes sense. I think like the first time the first time I heard like I had to hear Uh, how to do the model, uh, like a few times. So if you're listening to this and you're like, Oh my God, that was so much information. I don't know what to do. It's okay. Break it down. Listen to this episode again and go through the exercise with me. Like, get a piece of paper out, the sea line, the circumstance or your experience. Listen to this The T line, your thoughts about that circumstance. The F line, it's your feeling, how you feel when you think that thought about that circumstance. The A line, what you do or what you don't do when you feel this way, when you think that thought about the circumstance in your current result. That's all you need to start with. This brings awareness to your mind. And this is what starts your Journey to shifting your mindset and shifting your thoughts around a circumstance. And again, the more times you practice this, the easier it would be. And the more times you'd be like, holy shit, you know, if I changed like this one thing or if I felt this one way. Then I would do this, like if I felt motivated, I would do this, this, this, and this. And then it's a good way to, when you learn how to set goals, then you can do the model and then you can bind like so many, um, so many other, Resources and tools. So this is like, this is a tool you can put in your tool belt, your self care tool belt, toolbox, and when, I don't know, one tool doesn't work, then you can try this one. I would, I would love to do more examples. Actually, I'll give you, I'll give you one, one example. I'll give you one more example. So current model, say your business, that's your circumstance, my business. A thought could be, why is nobody buying my product? You have an online business. Why is nobody buying my product? That's your thought. So circumstance, my business thought, why is nobody buying my products? Your feeling is. Again, try to keep it one word, but I don't know, I, so an example is not good enough. Um, sometimes words are hard for me, so just do the best you can at describing it. least amount of words. So not good enough. That's how I feel about myself when I think why is nobody buying my product about my business. So some actions is maybe haven't looked at my business in a couple of weeks because I don't think anybody's bought anything. Um, Disengage from social media. So I'm not marketing myself. and thinking, Oh, you know, my next client is around the corner. I'm not posting on social media as often because I don't feel like it's working. I then just sit and scroll and then I get trapped in the compare and despair. So I'm comparing myself to other people like in my industry or, you know, more successful people than I am and it still makes me feel not good about myself. So those are actions and the result is I have zero clients or I made zero dollars So that's how I currently feel so the future model is So the circumstance is the same so my business My result can be I want to sign ten clients Right now I have zero. So, what do I need to think in order to get this result of 10 clients or$100? How do I need to show up? How do I need to feel. In order. To do. The things that need to get done. In order to make this result happen. I want to sign ten clients Say So 10 times 10, so say I have a product that's 10, I, my result, my future result is going to be 100. So my circumstance is business, my result is 10 clients or 100. So what do I need to think in order to get this result? I need to feel confident. I need to feel certain, um, I need to feel like in good energy. So when I feel confident, then maybe I'm showing up more in my business. And maybe I'm putting myself out there more. I'm marketing my, um, My product more. I'm. Creating other products. I am. Just really kind of going all in because I feel confident. And I think that I. Have a lot to offer. And what I have to offer is valuable. Um, so your assault line would be. I offer so much value. So your circumstance, your circumstances, business, your thought is I offer so much value. I feel confident and therefore I'm showing up in this way in my business and I'm creating more thin consuming and I'm making more offers. And then, uh, those. Offers in create clients which then create income. Right. So that's how that works. So you're going from your current model of your business to your future model? Again, this is just a great tool to have in your. Self-care toolbox. And. Feel free to. DME on Instagram. My handle's at merit Rawlins brown. Or. Message me. I want to take talk, same thing. Maryland's brown in. Let me know if you have any questions or if you want other examples. Because I love doing this exercise and I think it. It's really impactful and beneficial for you. To do as well. Okay, so I'm going to wrap this up. Again, this was called, this was like the model exercise. Yeah, let me know what you guys think about this. But. I hope everybody has a great rest of the week. Going into the weekend when this podcast comes out. And I will catch you all next week. All right. Bye.