Ep 15 | Why Are You Talking To Yourself Like That?

Why is it that we are so hard on ourselves sometimes? 

I think it’s because we accept the negative thought as he truth versus challenging it and getting curious as to why we are thinking this thought about ourselves. 

My daughter had a bad gymnastics practice this week and it made her upset and frustrated with herself. 

And I was like, “Girl, I’ve been there.” So we talked about it that night and went through why she felt that way and was it actually a bad practice. 

I was letting her know that you can try on a different thought when you are feeling frustrated or not good enough in practice the next time. 

One way is to add “yet” to the end of a sentence. 

- “I can’t land this move.” Versus “I can’t land this move yet.” 

The first stops any curiosity and further evaluation of the situation. The latter opens you up to receiving feedback and receiving understanding as to why you haven’t landed this move yet. What can you do the next time you try this move? Maybe position your hands differently. Rotate your body earlier. Push from your shoulders more. 

Our brains like to answer questions. When we open ourselves up with adding “yet” to the end of a thought - our brains get to work to create a solution to a problem. 

It’s a simple trick, but effective. 

The next time you feel down about your performance in someway, get curious as to why you are thinking this. 

Why are you talking to yourself this way? Why are you treating yourself like this? Do you like treating yourself like this? If not, how do you want to treat yourself? 

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Transcript

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Hey cuties. What's up. Last night was, or I guess yesterday was bound tines day and I love our little Valentines. Tradition that we've done for the past four years now. Our awesome realtor. Tyler. He. Just goes above and beyond for his clients. And. Every year he does. He chooses different restaurants around the city. And he reserves like, you know, a six 30 slot or a seven. PM slot or seven 30. And then you tell him. Hey, I want to go to this place at 7:00 PM and he sets that up for you. I think that's just. The really amazing thing to do. For your clients. I love it. So we've done this. Um, my husband and I have done this for the last four years. And last night we, I chose a. Pizzeria Italian pizzeria. Um, that we've never gone to, that was like, pizza can be kind of low key, um, we just don't like. Really do much for Valentine's day. So go. LD. In. So it's called adobo. Which means see later in Italian. That was such a fun experience. We get there. And it is packed. So I'm very glad that we had that reservation. Thank you, Tyler. On the menu we're looking at over and they have a thing called the trustful. For two. And you get to. Pizzas. A bottle of wine, an appetizer and one. Gelato because it's a. Pizza place with gelato and so. We're like. Okay. Let's just have an adventure and do this trustful. Our waitress was amazing. She actually brought us out a pizza that I was already going to get, which was awesome. Then she brought out this. Organic white wine. That was so good. And see, usually I go for red wine. And I'm very glad that we. Trusted her. Two surprises with the wine because that white wine was so good, it was just crisp and light. And. Oh, and the appetizer we got was, um, the other thing that we were eyeing. Well, and she was this like mushroom Patay with pickles and pickled onions with sourdough bread. And that was amazing. Best pickles I have ever had. We took our time and we enjoyed that. And then we got one thing in gelato, which is plenty because I fun fact about me. I don't actually. Like ice cream. All that much. I'll eat like a spoonful and then I'm good. So we had a raspberry, something. Gelato, which was good. It had a stroke patients have. Chocolate in it. So it was raspberry and chocolate. Another fun fact about me. I don't like chocolate. But I, a few spoonfuls of that. And so it was just, it was a fun, low key. Adventurous. I guess adventure and lucky you don't have the low key adventure. Valentine's day. And then we came home and. I hung out with the kids for a little bit and. That was it. I hope everybody celebrated themselves. Yesterday for Valentine's day, you don't need to be in a relationship to enjoy Valentine's day. Anyways, the. Podcast. I want to talk about, I want to share a couple of stories. Because I think. They can be powerful and hopefully encourage somebody else. So. Our two girls go to gymnastics. And. I walked in and I saw it's some, they have a weird, weird rule where it's like the first Tuesday of every month, parents can come and sit and watch their kids. So they encourage you to just drop them off. And then come back and pick them up. So I want to go to hobby lobby. Anyway to find ink for a Quill. Pin that, That Tesla got. And, uh, anyway, so I went there, so I came back early and then I watched the last. 10 minutes of their practice. And. You know my mind, I was like, oh man, Tesla's handstands have improved. They were practicing handstands. And in her group, she. Was the one that. Was. Straight and like, didn't move around a lot. And she held the position. The longest, um, not that it was competition, but. She just. Really has worked. On her gymnastic skills by herself. And then they went onto the trampoline. And she was trying to do from. What she's Lena front and flips before in the trampoline, but they, they did a front flip onto the mat and she just couldn't stick that. Landing. I was watching her and I was like, oh, she always had it. She almost had it. And. I'm waiting for. Uh, Making this class to be over with, but Tesla runs up. It runs by me. And I can tell in her eyes that something was up. And she just went and got her shoes. And she was like about to walk out to the car. I was like, girl, come here. She's not looking at me. I'm like, what is wrong? And she just has her head down her eyes start to water. And I'm like girlfriend. What is up. And she's like, I just have something in my eye. You see this black thing in my eye. I got something in my, I was like, there's nothing in your eye. I can just tell her demeanor. That she was feeling down. So we stood there for a second. My back was to, she was against the wall and my back was to like other people so people can see. Um, she just kind of. And buried her head in my. Stomach and, We just stood there for a minute. And then I was asked her a couple of questions. I was like, where you are, you upset with yourself? Like the seminar? You say something to you, does something happen? She's like, no, no, no. So I wasn't pushing her. And I was like, do you want to talk about it when we get home? She's like, yeah. Because we do. I laid with the, was each kid. We have three kids, so it's making Monday Tessa Tuesday. Ash Wednesday and. On those nights, I've laid down with each of them. Four. At least 15, 20 minutes. I had to cut it off because. When we started doing this, it's been a couple of years, but I would be so tired. They would be talking to me and I would just pass out. And fall asleep in their bed, which you know, is fine with them, but I'd wake up and it's like, oh man, I still have like, Things I need to get done. So I had to cap it at. At 15 minutes. Um, But I was like, okay, we'll talk about it tonight. Or when you're ready. So I'm laying down with her in her bed. Asking her about gymnastics. And she started. And crying a little bit. And she was like, I just failed everything today. It's like, what do you mean you failed at everything today? And she's like, I, I couldn't stick any moose or, um, lands the front hand spring. Into, I don't know. And then, um, they had to do a. Round off, I guess, for warmups or something. And she's like, I couldn't even do that. Well, she mentioned something else too. Oh, the. I don't, I don't know, gymnastics terms. It's you do a bridge and then you stand up. Uh, walk over front walkover or something like that. Anyways, um, And I was like, okay. Let's take a breath and let's step back and actually look at it. And look at what you're telling yourself. I'm like. Did or what. Did you actually fail? Go through the first move. How did you fail at that? And she was like my round off. I was just crooked and I couldn't. I couldn't land straight. And I was like, well, did you ask your. Coach. You know, are your hands in the wrong position? Do you need to, rotate earlier. Why did you get curious and ask how you can get your round off to be straighter she was like, no. So, did you feel bad about your runoff? She said yes. And then I asked her, okay. So, what about the next move? How did you fail at that? She's like, well, with the walk over the front, walk over, like into a bridge and then you get up from the bridge. She was like, I I can get up well. I got up once and I was like, okay, so you got up once successfully, so that's not a fail. She's like, yeah, but it was only one time I was like, and. Like getting up once is awesome. That means you're progressing. That means that you. Haven't failed at that move. And it's like, well, what did you do? That time. Versus the other times when you couldn't get up. Like you, you just stay in the bridge. She would just stay in the bridge. Oh, her problem was so when she went from the handstand to the bridge, She. Would fall. So then I was like, okay. So something that may help you is just. Next time, try to, Tying your abs more, have a tighter core. Or, and, you know, I told her again, ask your coach. What's something you can do. Maybe you need to push off when. With your shoulders more or, Put your feet closer to your hands, or? I don't know. I don't know. Gymnastics. She was like, yeah. Okay. I could do that. She was like my handstands. Weren't good. And I told her, well, from what I saw, I thought they were excellent. They looked great. And she was just so down on herself and I was like, I know exactly how you feel because I literally still feel that way. Like as an adult. I can see why you're frustrated with yourself. And I told her about. This girl that I follow. On Instagram and she posted a thing about consistency. She was like, When people say you have to be consistent with something in order to reach your goal. It's true, but it's how you look at consistency. Consistency is not going a hundred percent all every day. Or every other day or whatever it is to meet your goal.'cause sometimes. Consistency is just showing up. Sometimes you're going to give 30%. Sometimes you're going to get 50%. Sometimes you're going to get 89.99%. And it's not showing up a hundred percent every time. Like with me as an athlete. Even now my practices. Sometimes I'm great. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I can hit the ball. Well, sometimes it doesn't even go anywhere. But it's the, it's the act of showing up for yourself, even when. You don't feel like it, even when you aren't motivated, even when you feel like you're just having a bad day. Because. At the end of the day, we're all humans. And. It's, it's not always rainbows and butterflies and sunshine. It's not. Always everything's going to work out for us and we're never going to have any trouble. So we have to, you know, I was telling, I was telling Tesla that. I told her the consistency story. And how even professional athletes show up to practice. And they sometimes don't train. As hard as they did the day before or the week before. But they're still showing up and they're still practicing and they're still putting in effort. And. That is going to eventually compound into them. Like one day, it's just going to. Click and get better. And I told her a story of jujitsu when I first started, like, I knew nothing whatsoever. About jujitsu. I knew, Like Maury Tai and NNA. I think there was like, you remember that show on TV called maid. It was either that or. I don't know some MTV reality show where this guy. Moved. To Asia and. We learned more we tie or something like that. I don't know. Anyway, so it wasn't my only exposure to martial arts. But I remember going into. Jujitsu the first day. And I was like, I have no idea what the hell is going on. But I kept going back and I kept going back. And I remember I was so frustrated after practice one day, because I just couldn't get this one. Move. Correct. And like the instructor was a little frustrated. My partner was a little frustrated and then I was like, man, I'm just like letting everybody down. And then I got frustrated. And so I broke down. I cried at the gym and they're like, listen, a lot of white belts get frustrated and. That is a sign that you. Care about what you're doing. But you don't need to beat yourself up over having a bad day. Or having a bad week. Or having a bad game or for. Not being able to stick most of the moves that you think you should already know how to do. After that. Jujitsu practice. I think I just got out of my own way. And things started clicking. When things started clicking, then I started getting good. Then I started getting better. And then I was like, Holy shit. I'm actually pretty good. Then we moved and then it took me about seven years to find another gym, but. That's beyond the point. I was telling her that. Just because you have a bad practice. Does that mean you're a bad athlete? She was frustrated because she's like, I should already know how to do the round off. I should already know how to do this. So I was asking her. So, what were you thinking? When you didn't land those moves. She, when she. I was like, I. I thought that. I was failing. So, how did that make you feel? She's like not good enough. Okay. Let's, let's pause. And let's. Actually get curious as to why you're thinking that in you're feeling that way. I kind of explained to her that. A lot of times. We get caught in these solid patterns because our brains are still developing. The more, the more you do something, the more you do something. I forgotten the example. But I was like, the more times you exercise, the more times you exercise, the more times you sit on the couch, the more times you sit on the couch. And she's like, oh yeah. And so the more times you tell yourself that you can't do something or that you aren't good enough, or that you should already know this or. That you're failing. The more times you tell yourself that. The more times you tell yourself that. I told her, I still struggle with trying to get out of my own head. She was like, well, how do you get out of your own head? And I was like, sometimes you just need to do it. I think you just need to take this action. And do it. The next time you get in this thought loop of, I can't do this. Or. I'm not good enough. Sometimes you just have to. It's like in Lucca where, um, Oh, my gosh. It's not Luca. The other kid. Who is telling the voice inside his head. He named it Bruno. To be quiet. It's like sometimes you have to tell. The voice inside your head to literally be quiet. And you just do the fate. So why don't you try this the next time you're on the map. You're practicing this move. And he can't get it instead of saying. I can't land this move. Add yet to the end of. That statement. So I can't land this yet. And I asked her, Imagine yourself on the mat. And. You haven't. Landed this move. And you think to yourself, I'm never going to be able to do this. How does that make you feel? Not great. So I said, imagine yourself on the mat. And you can tell yourself. I can't learn this yet. How does that make you feel? And she goes like, A little better. I was like, why does it make you feel a little better? And she's like, Because I can still work on it. And I was like, yes, you're you aren't closing yourself off from trying and from learning and from failing because every success comes with failures. Every person who has won a championship has failed along the way. Somehow, somewhere to get there. Anyone who's ever owned a business. Has had so many failures. Yet. They are successful. So try saying. Or try adding yet to the end of. Negative thoughts. And just before you do anything and just see how that feels. I told her. If that isn't really resonating with you, or if that doesn't work with you. Then try. Saying it's okay. Before. The sentence. So it's okay. I haven't landed this. Why is that okay? Because I'm still learning how to do this because I'm still improving because I'm still. Getting used to. This new hand position, because I'm still getting used to rotating earlier. And because it's a continuous. Journey. To getting better versus when you say I can't. Then you're stopping yourself. From continuing that journey. She was like, Cause we. We talked for about 20 minutes and she was like, you should put that in a video. I was like, oh, what part should be in a video? Like what, what resonated with you? And she's like, I don't know. He just said stuff. I'm sorry. Okay. Well, as long as something. Stuck with you. I guess that's all that matters. And I hope the next time that she goes to gymnastics and she's, or even, you know, soccer practice or a wrestling. Practice. So we're basketball. Practice. Um, if she can't do something. Quote, unquote, perfectly. Then to just. Take a second. Catch the thoughts that are going on in her mind. And then. She can. Shift. How she's thinking about. Herself and. How she's feeling. And just get curious. And try on. Different thoughts. So which means like adding it's. Okay. I'm still learning this or. Aye. Haven't been able to be this person yet. And try that on. See how that makes her feel. Then I told her. Um, so yesterday, So this, this happened Tuesday. And yesterday I workout with my trainer marina. And I was telling her, I was telling Tesla, I picked her up from school and got home and I turned around. She's in the backseat. And I was like, Tesla. You know, what were you talking about last night? About how. I told you he to put yet at the end of the sentence or it's okay. At the beginning of the sentence. I was like, I did that with myself. This morning. And it was awesome. I told her how marina. And I weren't working out one day. This was like a month ago. And how marina gave me these weights. To do like a. Dumbbells. Kind of like a bench press with dumbbells. And, I couldn't get the weight up. I just couldn't I did not do that. And I had to drop my weight, which is, which is okay. It did frustrate me though, because it was like me and I should be able to do that. Right. So I thought about that because in the workout yesterday, she's like, you're doing this. But it was much heavier. And what it was before. And my mind immediately went back to. That time that I failed. Just a couple of weeks ago. How I was like, no. Today's a new day. I'm not the same person. I was a couple of weeks ago when I failed. At this move last time. Like I'm stronger. And. I can push myself and I can do this. And so I sat down. I took a deep breath. I was like, I. Can do this. So let's do it because a lot of times marina is like, just shut up and do it. Like stop talking, stop being in your head and just fucking do it. Which I love and which I need. That reminder a lot. That was there and she's like, just give me four, just do four reps. And I was telling Tesla. I was like, I thought of you while I was doing this. And I, the first one, I was like, The first one was a struggle. I was like, no, no, I can do it. Sometimes I just got to get into the rhythm of it in the second one. I was like, oh, okay. That's not bad. Third one. That's not bad. And I knocked out 10. 10 reps. And she and her eyes Tessa's. He's got really big and she's like, you did. I was like, yes, but it's because. You reminded me of what I can do. Too. Get out of this negative thought loop that I have about myself with certain things, especially with athletics. And. To change the narrative that's in my head. Because we have two options. We can either listen to it and say, yeah, this is true. This is so true about me. Or we can challenge it. And say, but how is this true? Like, why am I telling myself that I can't do something? Or why am I telling myself that. I'm not good enough. Like where, what is this based off of? Where is this coming from? I heard it. I've heard a quote. That's like, why are you listening to somebody else's opinion who you don't even respect? I don't know if it's a quote or somebody said it. I don't know. I don't remember. And it's like, if you respect yourself, Y. Are you listening? Why are you deeming this opinion about yourself? True to be true. You know, if you keep thinking. In this mindset, do you think you're going to be a better gymnast? She's like, no. Okay. So then what can we do? Differently the next time you're on the net. The next time that you feel frustrated. The next time that you feel like you aren't good enough. What can you do? And she came up with a few things. And it's like, and it's like in life. You have two perspectives, you have two outcomes and you have two paths you can take. You can do so you, and I've talked about the model before and you have this event, you have the circumstance, you have this. Experiencing that happened. And you have a perspective, you have two perspectives, your reactionary perspective in your response perspective. So reactionary is your. Your. Lower emotional maturity. Because you're reacting. Based off of. How you feel. Reacting is your primal. Thinking. And emotional immaturity. Because you're just in the heat of the moment or. You aren't. Challenging anything in you're just accepting what is, is. And so that leads you to do. Certain things and behave in a certain way. Which the outcome. Is one thing. Then, if you look at your response, Perspective. That's when you have the emotional maturity to pause now and tell yourself, or ask yourself. How don't want to show up right now. Like after not landing the moose in gymnastics, how can I. Still show up for myself. And this is more of the executive thinking. Which executive thinking. It's done with the upper part of your brain. The primal thinking zone with the lower part of your brain. And when you are responding. You have this emotional maturity about you? Because you're taking that second. Two. Take things into. Perspective and you are choosing. What to do with that event was that experience with that situation. And so you can shift your thoughts. To help produce a. More empowering feeling. Um, Which then. We'll make you. Take different actions and behave in a different way, which then your outcome is going to be different and you always have that choice. Some people aren't aware. And they have two choices. A lot of times people are just stuck in this. Victim based. Mentality and they don't know. Things about like self-awareness and how to get out of that. But you have the power to. Decide on which path you want to take. You want this outcome or do you want this outcome now? Sometimes this outcome. When you're responding may not. Result in the outcome that you expected, but that's when you, if you showed up the way you wanted to show up. And he did the quote unquote, right. Things that you wanted to do, and you still. And the outcome. Isn't what you expected it to be. That's when you can just. Collect the data on that. And try again the next time. So that's what. That's what I like to focus on. You are in control of your thoughts and your. Emotions and not all emotions have to be positive. Not all thoughts have to be positive either. I was telling Tesla this too. I was like, we need to learn. You know how to feel disappointed, how to feel rejected, how to feel. Not good about ourselves. And when we. Get. When that emotion passes through us because we. Can process that and let that emotion go. Then we can say. Okay. So, uh, You know, I don't like the feeling of discomfort. But I know that I can get through it. I don't like the feeling of being rejected, but I know I can get through it. And I can choose. What I do. When I feel this way. I hope she feels empowered and I hope that she feels encouraged. To. Speak to ourself. More. Kindly. More kind, speak to herself kindly. I hope that she. Can take a setback. And she's not feeling it in gymnastics. And she asks herself why and get curious and ask herself how she wants to show up in this practice. I'm excited to see what she does next week. I think it'd be a cool experience or, um, not experience, experiment to do. To give her an evaluation sheet, nothing extensive, and she doesn't want to do it, then she doesn't have to do it. But If she had a bad practice write down what was bad about it. She had a good practice write down what was good about it. So then she can reflect back on who the, a. That's what I was thinking. And that's what I was feeling when I had this like amazing practice. Or, yeah, I, I know why. I didn't have the best practice because I just didn't want to be there. And so in that also will help her. Not judge herself. So harshly the next time. Or the next time, cause like this. And learning, learning how to navigate this. Does take time. Like I said earlier, the more times you do something, the more times you do something. So the more times she practices this, the more times she practices this, and the more times she becomes aware and the more times that she can choose to respond. Versus react. The more times she can choose to speak kindly to herself. Then. Except the first halt. Uh, negativity that comes into her mind. As the truth. Why is it that we are so hard on ourselves sometimes? And I think it's because we accept that negative thought acid truth versus challenging it. And getting curious as to why we are thinking this all. About ourselves. Tesla had a bad gymnastics practice in it, made her upset and frustrated with herself. Again, I told her, of course, girl, I've been there too. You can try on. Different thoughts when you're feeling frustrated or not. Good enough in practice the next time. Again to reiterate, like if you think I can't lean this move versus I can't lean this move yet. The first saw, I can't lean this move stomps. Any curiosity in further evaluation of the situation? The ladder, I can't lean this move yet. Opens you up to receiving feedback and receiving understanding as to why you haven't landed this move yet. Our, in our brains, like to answer questions. When we open ourselves up with adding the, yet to the end of a thought. Our brains, get to work to create a solution to the problem. It's a simple, yet effective trick. So the next time you feel down about your performance in some way, get curious as to why you're thinking this. Why are you talking to yourself this way and why are you treating yourself this way? Do you like treating yourself this way? And if not, how do you want to treat yourself? You want to go down that reactionary path or the responsiveness path? And. Learn how to open your mind up to. The. Curiosity. That will help.. Connect us to who. We are and who we want to be. I love my kids to death. I'm so proud of each. One of them. They're so different, you know, love it. They all have, they have similarities, but they all have like the little things that they love and they all have their own little quirks. And, I love that. I see so much of myself in Tesla. Um, And. I hope that. She doesn't feel how I felt growing up. Um, So I hope that I can. Be there for her. In the way that she needs. So the next time. You are trying something you're setting a goal. You are at a practice. You have. I don't know something to work the. Needs to get done, but you feel that you aren't doing it adequately or efficiently or whatever it is. That you just stop in. You ask yourself, what am I thinking? Why. How am I treating myself? Like what is going on? Because usually when we're frustrated, About. Our performance it's usually because. We are dealing with this underlying emotion that we haven't dealt with yet, because. A week ago, this thing happened and it still like festering within me. And then it's coming out in this way. So just ask yourself, how are you talking to yourself? And why are you talking to yourself this way? Is it serving you? What's another way you can speak to yourself. That's not so harsh that. It sounds so judgmental. That is. My hope for you. This was a. Longer story. Well, I think I said I had stories to tell. But I only got through one. So. There's that. Um, And yeah, that's. Well, I have for today, I'm going to wrap it up. So I. We'll just chat with y'all next week. But wait, there's more. Here's a little post script interview with the queen. Tesla. So here are her thoughts about our chat and the other night. Just stop. What did you get out of? Or a little chat the other night. I get out like. I got out a lot of things. Like what. I'm good. One example. We're good at one thing. Oh, like when you said. And you'll mine. Say aye. Not do it yet. Uh, saying that really helped me. Because like, I couldn't do something. And then I did it today. Yeah. What did you think about today? I am proved that you improved. So when you, so you tried the same move, you tried the other night. Yeah. And what happened. I got it. I did it. You did it. And then I tell it, making it. Yeah. Now she can do it. What did you think? What was different from tonight than the other night? Well, Yesterday. Well, that's a bad day for me. Because I felt like I couldn't do anything. Yeah. But today I did the sayings that I couldn't do. Say. Yeah. How'd you how'd you feel. Today. I feel amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is there anything else you want to. You want to add? Actually introduce yourself. Okay. name. Tesla. How old are you? 10. 10. Yeah. 10. The last day. fast. Yeah. Day after Halloween. Yep. What's one thing you enjoy doing. Eh, I enjoy. Slaying. It's my sister. Yeah. Yeah. Good deal. Okay. So, how about you? Sorry. I always say, okay, bye. Say it. Yeah. You got to say it together. You just want to say it. Take care. Okay. So one. Two three. Okay.