EP 19 | How I Started Loving Myself

Someone asked me the other day how did I start loving myself? 

This week I talk more about my story and things I had to learn to let go of and what changes impacted me the most. 

The best thing I ever did for myself was invest in myself and apply a lot of different life coaching techniques that really helped shape who I am today. The biggest benefit of that is learning how to love myself because I did the inner work, and I stopped reaching for external things to fill certain voids in my life. 

As always, feel free to reach out to me over on Instagram or TikTok!

Website: https://merittrollinsbrown.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/merittrollinsbrown/

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@merittrollinsbrown?_t=8hC2ICTEGIY&_r=1

Transcript

0:00

One sec cuties. It's merit your host for the Q the new you podcast. I am chatting with y'all today about. A question I received lately. That was how did I start loving myself? Just going to share a little bit about. My experience. And my story, like as. Always for this podcast. It's. A lot is based off of my own experiences in, or. Experiences that my clients have had. I think I've shared a little bit about this before. In my twenties when I got married. And then we had. Our kids. Back to back to back and. When I was younger, I had picture of my life going one way and then my life went another way. Which in hindsight. I'm very thankful for that. My life has turned out the way it has turned out. Um, I mean, it's not to say that. You have an ad. Our struggles or. I wish. Things had been different at one point in time. But basically just growing up, there's such a. Disconnect between. What I wanted to do and how I felt and how. And what I. Thought and what I. Did in, I think a lot of that too. Hasad. Do with growing up. In a way where you just kind of. I have a very laid back personality and I go with the flow. So not. Very confrontational and I don't necessarily. Question authority. Which then. Sets me up for not understanding what boundaries are and. Not believing or trusting myself because I put my belief and trust in what others say. When I was younger. I had I answering. Holes that. I did not achieve. Yeah, I guess. And. When I would say these schools, nobody believed that I could do it. Therefore, I believe that. I wasn't going to be able to do it. And I just never really. Essentially grew a backbone. Cause I didn't really know who. I was, I knew I, I was an athlete. That's what everybody told me. You're such a good athlete. Um, so I really held on to that identity and what I didn't want. It just got to a point where it was just too much. I put too much pressure on myself. Because. Aye. As soon as the thing, I was good enough to be really anything, because I just didn't believe in myself. And, There's just this disconnect between believing in myself. Taking care of myself. And loving myself. That I so craved for, but I didn't know how to do that. And it wasn't until. Hearing. So Maureen tell me I was caught in this victim based mentality. And. Then I started listening to. Life coaching podcast. And the life coaching podcasts. He helped me. And so many different ways. And. Aye. Was already struggling with a lot of different things. I had the time when I first learned. Uh, or when I first heard these podcasts and they always seem to hit the nail on the head with the problem I was having or situation I was going through. And a solution for it. So like try this. Um, and a lot of times it's like try this new thought on, how does that make you feel? It makes me feel really fucking weird and just, and uncomfortable because I. Don't believe this all yet. And then it taught me how changing my thoughts could then change my belief because belief is essentially a thought you think over and over again, and you just attach any emotion to it. And you feel so deeply that this thought is true. Therefore you believe it. So. And I've said this before a lot of times, when we are adults, we're so believing. Thoughts that we had in childhood that just don't serve us anymore. And. Also helps. Hearing from a friend that. You know, I was caught in this victim based mentality and then me trying to figure out what that actually meant and what that actually looked like and what it actually looks like to not. Being caught in this victim based mentality and to. Start hearing in a way that made sense. That was relatable to me that. Clicked with, I guess my personality, my way of thinking that. Resonated with me. And. It resonated with me so much that I just never. I never. Looked back in. You know, I started this almost. 10 years ago. Now. And Really hearing. From coaches and. How. They basically plan or map out possibilities of your life. And you're like, there's no way in hell I can accomplish that. But then they break it down in a way where it's like, well, if you start with this. And then you can try this and then you try this on. And then you believe this. You know, if you. If you believe this about yourself, what result could you get? If you believed this about yourself, what result could you get? And then they go through and they. Identify what stopping you from getting the result that you want? That's what coaching is about. It helps you. Navigate where you are to where you want to go. An again, this is my experience. Life coaching and learning about all this stuff has helped me more. Then what therapy helped me with. Um, the last time I was in therapy was when, uh, We were foster parents. And. That was a good session to just kind of. Really complain. Because I was just so emotionally checked out. When we were fostering. It was just. That was, that was, uh, a rough time. But going back to what I learned. With life coaching. Helped me. Look at situations and look at. Past experiences in circumstances in a different perspective. Which then led to. Healing. Which then led to letting go of. Having to be perfect all the time. Or putting on this persona that. Things were great. Or fine. And. I let go of a lot of mom guilt. Aye. I started forgiving myself for. Things that I had done or maybe not done. Um, there were times when I felt like I should have stood up for myself or. Even for my kids or has been. Situations, um, where I look back here, my damn, I should have said something. To that fucking asshole. And I didn't. So it just. Going through. This healing process helped me reconnect with myself. And. Look at myself. In a different light in Eckhart, totally talks about separating yourself from your ego and. In doing so you can then become the watcher of your thoughts. And again, What you believe? Or thoughts that you think over and over again? And so if you become the watcher of your thoughts, then you're like, oh, do I actually believe. That I. Don't like this thing. Well, I don't know. I never questioned it. I just, I just believe that I don't. And so it's also getting curious as to. Looking at yourself now in. Asking yourself. I mean, just getting to know who you are. As a person right now and who you want to be. In the next couple of years, too. In. A lot of times, I. You know, would. Punish myself. I put my body through. A lot, because I felt like I. I wasn't looking a certain way that I should be looking. And that created this diabolical. Relationship with my body, my mind. In. With food. In, uh, even with. Working out. A punishment would be to go, I would have to go run and I just hated running. Because I just always viewed that as a punishment. So when I started just kind of asking myself questions and. Writing down. The thoughts that I was believing that I didn't want to believe anymore. And really. Learning patients. And really learning. Grace with myself. And. Really starting to trust. MI starting to trust. My ability as a mom. Um, that was a big one because I kind of, I go off. What. I like, which is a European lifestyle. I love how I love the French culture. I love how. They parents and I love how they. View their relationship with food and what they eat and how. It's. This act of love and you aren't depriving yourself and. You're taking your time. Eating food. Like it's not, it's not a punishment. And. I like how, they. Don't necessarily snack. They eat more. Meals. And so that's. That's how I have raised. My kids for the most part. And I know like a lot of. My friends don't do that, which is totally fine. But it's just kind of doing what I. What I. Want to do. With my life too. And. Just really starting to trust myself and. Regaine. My voice and start. Building this backbone that I just never had when I was younger. I didn't know how to cope with. Feelings and how to process emotions. And so really learning and understanding where those emotions came from. And. You know, Understanding. If I'm feeling this way, I can either react or I can respond. And so. I started. Uh, consciously making that decision of, I want to respond instead of react in that changed. The. Relationship I had with my kids, I think has been. The. I mean, it changed the relationship I have with myself, which is the biggest change of all, because when I feel great, then. Everything else is great. When I feel off. Our family dynamic kind of feels off, you know, but going through this process to change my relationship with my kids and. Like I used to not enjoy. Being a stay-at-home mom, because I always felt like. You know, I was just a stay at home mom. Like I wasn't doing anything worthwhile. The new reality, I see I'm raising pretty good kids. And hopefully they are going to be emotionally mature and. You know, they all have their own personalities and they like what they like and we give them decisions. That they can make. And that's a really important thing for me. To do as a parent, because I feel like. I wasn't given. Kind of that opportunity to just really be myself and. Kind of do what I wanted to do type of thing. But MII swings. Being successful means that you're making money. You have a career. And I kind of compare myself to. Other people who were my age at the time, like. Going off, having fun, starting this job, moving to this place. And then here I was. Quote unquote, stuck at home. Not doing any of that. Really to answer that question. How did I start loving myself? I have worked really hard on myself. I started putting myself first. I started. Watching what I was eating. In the sense that. Aye. Wanting to fuel my body in a way. That would give me energy because I was also like waking up early in the morning to have alone time and to work out because when I worked out and then I felt better about myself. I felt better about myself then. Aye. Eight healthier because I wanted to keep feeling. Good about myself so I established some really solid routines. With myself and. Kind of carry those routines over to wherever we moved, because we have moved a few times and, You know, just kind of pushing. My ego. Aside in times when. I did something wrong or I felt shame a lot of it too, was I let go of a lot of shame. That I had. And again, a lot of guilt. And. Just learning really how to communicate. In a way that felt safe. For me, not always comfortable, but felt safe. Which then. Helps me create boundaries like. I'm not. Going to be in this situation. Really, it's just learning about. Yourself. Learning how. To change thoughts. Trying out different beliefs. Figuring out who you want to be. And start being the person that you want to be. I'm sure there are so many. Other lessons. I get. Throw into this, but that's the overall. Just have. Growing up. Not liking myself. And I think too, again, going back to that, holding onto that one identity. Because I didn't want to be. Only known as that. And then somebody asked me, a couple of years ago, like how would you describe yourself if you couldn't. Use words like athlete, mom. Wife. And I was like, I had no idea. So kind of answering that question too, and that may not come to you right off the bat. It may take several years and you're like, this is. How I would describe myself. And it's also just letting go of that perfectionism. Like I struggled with social anxiety because of that. And now it's like, I of course said that. Stupid. They are now. Now, Mike, this may be a dumb question, but, and then I just ask it anyway. And I don't, I don't get embarrassed. Often anymore, or like ever my kids asked me the other day, like when's the last time I was embarrassed. I was like, I. I honestly cannot tell you. Because I think of myself differently. Like I've grown in so many ways that a lot of. Sings. You know, a little quirks. I have little weirdnesses. I have. It's not embarrassing to me anymore. Um, because there's also, I don't, I'm not in the same as everybody else. And like, I want my kids to know that they aren't the same as everybody else. But. Understanding. That changing your perspective can impact. Your. Future too, I think is powerful. If you. Believe in yourself. Can you take care of yourself? You will eventually reconnect with yourself and start loving yourself. In a way that feels good to you in a way that feels safe for you in a way that feels. Healing for you. Okay, I'm going to wrap this up. So if, and again, a few. I want to reach out. To me then. Feel free. Too. DME. On Instagram. It's usually where I hang out. Or around Tik TOK, although I haven't posted a Tik TOK in awhile. It's been in busy season. You're off. And I'm grateful for it, but. I guess I need to get back on to. Posting some stuff online. So anyways. All right. I'm going to get out of here. And I'll talk to you all next week. You can find me, take talk Instagram at Merritt Rollins brown. And I. We'll talk to y'all. Later. Okay. Bye.